His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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