so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
