i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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