I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
