my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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