So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
