Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
