if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
