So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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