I heard we made out
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
