I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
