I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
pop tarts are not kleenex
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
