TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
