She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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