dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We need to get me chipped asap
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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