I want to have your abortion
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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