whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
