so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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