Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
