she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
