i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
