I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
