my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
