You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
