I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
