I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
