i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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