I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
