I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
