he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
