my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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