Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
A bitchslap is in order.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
