what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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