you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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