so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
