I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
