this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
