I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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