cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
