So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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