a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
