Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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