He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
