I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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