before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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