Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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