This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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