I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
