Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
