im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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