I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
